Monday, 07 July 2008
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letters to no one
dear mom and dad,
there isn't one part of me that doesn't love you, and i know you feel the same way. as much as i'm never home, as much as it seems like i don't care about what happens to you - i do. you may view me as "irresponsible", solely based on the fact that i drink and smoke, but you don't know the half of it. i suppose it's my fault for never being around to talk to you... but i'm scared. i want you to notice how horrible i feel on the inside, but i'm scared to tell you. i'm scared that you'll think it's your fault that i don't enjoy my life, and i don't want you to live the rest of your lives in regret. if anything, you guys are my grounding point. i don't think i'll ever be half as good of a parent as you were to me. and mom... i know dad is having troubles, i can see it in his eyes. you have your hunches that he's depressed (i just wish that you would observe me and notice that i'm depressed)
dear _________,
as corny as it sounds, you are "the man of my dreams". my friends don't understand why we get along because we come from different worlds. you're emotionally stable, you believe in jesus, you attend church, you're straightedge, all the things i'm not. maybe opposites do attract, but sometimes i think the attraction is one way. i know you like me as a friend, but that doesn't mean anything. you like everyone... you're so nonjudgemental. i've never met anyone in my life who didn't make me feel like a failure, like the piece of shit that i am. you don't know everything about me, but sometimes i just want to run up to you in the halls and cry until i feel better. i don't think you'll ever be attracted to me emotionally (i'm a mess). hopefully one day i can tell you all about my life, and you can somehow make it all better.
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Comments (6)
Hmm, may I ask what I'm getting thanked for? Thanks for my posts are few and far between, normally I get insults.
you don't seem to be one of the kind that you call 'utter shit' -- i have met 'utter shit', and he didn't care.
you -- you seem more to be a work in progress, and there's always hope in progress...
i've found teddy bears to be stupidly comforting when i'm depressed -- they always seem to know just how to hug back
@Black_Harlequin - i just enjoy your posts, thats all. :)
@Jaspro - well, thank you. a few people would probably disagree with that though. but yeah, i'm trying to improve on my personality/habits so i can hopefully be a better person.
i completely agree with jaspro.
everyone has issues...and there are plenty of reasons to not care about a damn thing. including yourself (bc it takes a shit load of effort to do it). but your observing does show a sign of care. otherwise you wouldn't pay attention to anything..and you'd let other people walk on you and all over you
and when you are bothered by so many things....that does show you care. because it's passion. and passion can be hard to control or manage when looked at in the wrong perspective.
@TruthSpeaksLOUD - yeah, i always have issues with introducing myself. i can never find anything relevant to say (especially at school). i've never really thought of my observational skills as caring, but i guess it depends on who i observe/how i observe.
thanks for the comment :)